I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
