you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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