I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
