If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
