Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
