im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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