one two three fourrrrnication!
from now on my penis is your penis
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
