Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My balls are so social today.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
