i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize