Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
