walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
