I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
