Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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