Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
