chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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