ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
