3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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