I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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