Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
