Betty ford says i'm here all night
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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