Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
