That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
