Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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