He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
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