Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
