he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
high people should be assigned attendants
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
