Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
