a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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