this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
