I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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