I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
