I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize