I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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