The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
