I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
