"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
this hospital has no fireball
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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