I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
