plz talk dirty to me
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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