Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
