Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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