he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
