I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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