I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
