Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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