i think i have herpe
just one?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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