I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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