My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
The beer is more important than you right now.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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