In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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