I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
