Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
