the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
