I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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