True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
