I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
